Matti May Hardie: April 2017

Hey all, how’s you?

In about a month, I’m going to start my exams. By the 30th of May, I’ll have finished said exams, and my time at my college will be over. I’m feeling extremely scared about the end of the year because it means I have some big decisions to make about my future, but not only that, but yet again I’ll be bought to say goodbye to some the amazing people I’ve met over this year.

I say yet again because I had the same thing last year. My main friend group at college last year were last years, and I had the whole ‘saying goodbye, end of an era’ kind of feelings already, and I feel like it’s starting all over again, and if I’m totally honest, I don’t really think I want to. I don’t know if I’m ready to leave college yet. I don’t know if I’m in a mind space where I’d be able to function in working life, even if I’d still be partly in school. It’s also freaking me out because I don’t even know if I want to carry on with hairdressing. The truth of it is that hairdressing is a mixed bag - it can be fucking amazing like it can be annoying and dull. It’s definitely not what I expected, with I guess was to be expected, I mean, no job is ever exactly what you expect it to be, is it? I very much have a love-hate relationship with my trade, and I realise now more than ever that I need to make a decision. Love or hate? Do I love it and do it for years to come, or do I hate it and leave hairdressing, only really doing it on the side?

Everything’s happened very fast, I guess. I honestly feel like this year has gone by in the blink of an eye, that just yesterday it was boiling hot and my class of 30 piled into one of the 3 salons we have at our disposal, while our teachers droned on about what we would be doing this year and how important this year is, bla bla bla. I feel like it was only yesterday I met the people who are now my favourites, that I was flirting with a girl who I’m now seeing. It feels odd to think of now leaving that college, where so many memories were made.

The thing with being an intern (someone who sleeps at school), is that the place becomes more of a home than your home. You know the people, you know the place off by heart, you know all the matrons and everything becomes very familiar. You know what you can and can’t do. I could give you a tour of the place with my eyes closed, I’m sure. I can pinpoint each part of it and associate a memory or a person to it. The thought of leaving those dorms behind, not packing my suitcase every Sunday and complaining about how early the curfew is, running around the three floors looking for someone, sneaking around and going into my friend’s rooms once all of the matrons had gone to bed, well, the thought of leaving all that behind makes me really sad.

Everyone always says they can’t wait to leave, but I’m bloody well dreading it. I’m not going to deny that there are days where all I want to do is come home, but there’s a large part of me who wants to find another course and stay there for another few years.

I feel like responsibility and expectations are piling up on top of me, that everyone’s staring at me expectantly, waiting for me to make a decision, to do something, to make some great statement about what I’m going to do with my life. But in total honesty, I’m totally lost. I have no fucking clue.

Tl;dr - I’m looking forward to the future, I’d just bloody well wish it didn’t come so bloody fast.

Matti x

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