Hey all
Hows you?

She's done it again. She's started a "series" again. Oh god! - Ok I can explain. The S.S. series was stupid and it wasn't going anywhere, that's why I stopped that, at that time I was looking to see what I'm going to do on my blog. This is different. I want you guys to know more about me. I know I'm totally open with you guys, but I still have stuff I want to talk to you about. I, am not perfect. Quite the opposite. I am a freaking mess and a nightmare. I have more than enough faults to go around, but then again, I'm ok with that. I have quite a few "things" (mind things) that I have and that I know that other people have too.

Personally, I find that watching and reading that other people that they are the same and they have the same problems, helps so so much. Just to know that I'm not alone helps me (personally) enormously. And I want to help as many people as I can. So this is a series that's very close to my heart and I count on finishing it when I have nothing else to say. Then again, I'm not going to say "every Tuesday I'm going to put a Meet Me up!" because I won't end up doing it. I'll put stuff up when I feel like it because if I force myself it won't be right.

So here it goes. I am a very anxious person. I don't know if I always have been but for the past few years it's been very bad. Anxiety is something that's very engulfing. I stand by that fact because anyone who has anxiety will probably tell you the same thing. It takes up most of your thoughts, to the point where you can't let anything else in. Personally for me what happens is that I will get butterflies in my stomach, but in like a "oh I'm really nervous" way, but more a "oh frick what's going on, I'm gonna die, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god" sort of way. I often have my head spinning, but not like a dizzy way, it's hard to explain, but you'll understand if you get that too, and also (and this is a thing that is more recent) I start shaking, how much depends on how anxious I am. The shaking, as I was saying, is a new thing, because when I was little and until a few months ago, I never shook., like, my hand didn't shake, but now they do.

There are two different sorts of anxiety: normal anxiety and anxiety disorder. Now I think I may get this wrong if I say it in my own words so I'm going to quote (more like paraphrase) Zoe Sugg (aka Zoella) in one of her videos that she put up about anxiety and panic attacks:

"Most people will actually have anxieties, something like short term anxiety where you're nervous because you're about to go on stage or you've got a test: that's all normal. Anxiety for someone who actually suffers with anxiety which is like prolonged amounts of time is almost like your body is freaking out at a lot more things than it should be freaking out at and it feels like it's in this dangerous situation, you kind of feel a bit uncomfortable, really worried, really stressed, it's like a million emotions all in one and you'll get like a funny tummy (or what I call butterflies), you'll start to feel a bit hot, you'll start to feel  bit "oh my goodness, I can't actually handle this and if your anxiety gets particularly bad it can then turn into a panic attack or anxiety attack which is basically when your body goes into fight or flight mode because it thinks something is happening to you and it prepares your body to either run away or fight the situation. Most of the time, we don't need to fight or fly, it's just that we have a really anxious mind. The metaphor I often use is that anxious people are the cars in the street, who's alarm goes off with a little gust of wind or a leave and everyone else are the cars that need a good battering before their alarms go off."

When you get anxiety, you feel like an elephant is sitting on your chest or that your lungs are full of cotton wool, making each breath strained. Because you're breathing way more than you should, you starting feeling dizzy and lightheaded, almost as if your heart is pumping helium, not blood around your body. And the entire time you know why you feel like this, and you curse the very idea of anxiety. It's the oddest thing you'll ever experience, but it's also the worst. Often, my nose will start stinging, because you can smell everything, simply because your body is going into fight or flight mode. I also tend to struggle to read things. You'll ask me to read a blog post and I won't be able to make sense of the words, even if I concentrate really hard.