I Don't Want To Hide Anymore - Naked On The Internet | Matti May Hardie
Hey all,
Hows you?
This is going to be a depressing post. Just thought I'd warn you.
As some of you may know, I am part of a collab blog called Sparkle Of Style. Each week there is a theme and last week's theme was confessions. I couldn't write my post because I was in England but I wanted to talk about what my confession was on here because I feel like I just need to come out with it. This post is going to be rather unorganised but I hope you can try and follow.
All my life I've wanted to fit it. That's what my parents would always tell me: "be everyone's friend and go with the flow" - I think they'd say that because I was a bossy twat as a kid. But I feel like anything I did wasn't enough. I'd stay calm and everyone would find a way to wind me up. I'd be nice and I was always received with meanness. Obviously, that resulted in many a mental breakdowns and anger attacks (that consist of me being verbally and physically violent towards anyone that was near me, then sobbing in a corner), that was the start of it all.
The truth is, I'm the poster child for mental illness. Okay, so I'm exaggerating, but I'm close enough. I mean, I have a hefty list under my belt. BPD (borderline personality disorder), ADHD, mild paranoia, anger attacks, anxiety, infrequent anxiety attacks, mild depression and massive mood swings. The funny thing is that I've never been diagnosed. My Mum is one of these people who are in denial of any possible problems in life because she just can’t deal with any more problems than she already has. That’s great until you throw in the fact that she’s got a daughter with a million mental problems. And it doesn’t help that she thinks I’m labelling myself and that I’m a drama queen. OBVIOUSLY. It’s enough to drive you crazy. So she’s never sent me to see a doctor about it and I can’t go on my own. So I guess that doesn’t help seeing as I’m not on any meds or treatments to help me deal with it or to calm it down.
I wanted to touch base on depression, because I've always been scared to call it that. I never considered myself as being depressed, but the more I think about it the more I realise that I probably am. I'll go through times where there isn't any light at the end of the tunnel, that nothing's going to be okay, despite my luck at having a rational thought process.
It just engulfs me, and I lose interest in life. I don't want to do anything, I don't want to see anyone, I don't want to go anywhere, all I want to do is sit/lie in bed and sleep and watch Youtube videos and eat disgusting amounts of chocolate. I can distract myself for a while but then it'll hit me, full force and knock me out. I'll give you an example: I'd been fine for a few days, I was in England with my sister and cousin, and we had been shopping and were having a really nice time. We were in the changing rooms of Primark and BAM! It hits me slap bang in the chest and all of a sudden, I just want to go home and not think about life for a while. It didn't go away until later that evening. Why? No reason, it just came and I had no way of stopping it.
It just engulfs me, and I lose interest in life. I don't want to do anything, I don't want to see anyone, I don't want to go anywhere, all I want to do is sit/lie in bed and sleep and watch Youtube videos and eat disgusting amounts of chocolate. I can distract myself for a while but then it'll hit me, full force and knock me out. I'll give you an example: I'd been fine for a few days, I was in England with my sister and cousin, and we had been shopping and were having a really nice time. We were in the changing rooms of Primark and BAM! It hits me slap bang in the chest and all of a sudden, I just want to go home and not think about life for a while. It didn't go away until later that evening. Why? No reason, it just came and I had no way of stopping it.
Not to try and be stereotypical, but sometimes, I legitimately enjoy sitting and staring at walls. Just to think, to pretend, to make things up in my head, to get out of my head for a bit.
"What you see here is not a man, but a cracked shell" - PJ Liguori, Colour Bandits
As you can probably guess, I'm feeling depressed tonight. I feel like my entire world is collapsing around me. My family, my romantic relationships, my friends. I can imagine them as walls, crashing and burning down on me like a Miley Cyrus music video. I’m in England, a place that normally I love being in and I love spending time there, and all I ever want to do is stay in bed, and sleep and go on my laptop. To be honest, I want to go home. I want my Mum and I want to be able to hole myself up in my room without getting judged or to be scared of getting judged. The fake smile is getting annoying, okay?
The worst part is that I wish I could be enthusiatic about some things! I’m going shopping and for once I can afford Benefit and MAC make-up but if I had the choice I’d just say in bed!
I don’t know what the point of this blog post is. I have no great message to share about mental illnesses. I guess I just needed to get it all out. To be honest, this is kind of therapy for me. To talk about it and get it out on paper so I understand what the hell is going on in my brain. And if it makes someone feel a little less alone, that's a bonus.
The worst part is that I wish I could be enthusiatic about some things! I’m going shopping and for once I can afford Benefit and MAC make-up but if I had the choice I’d just say in bed!
I don’t know what the point of this blog post is. I have no great message to share about mental illnesses. I guess I just needed to get it all out. To be honest, this is kind of therapy for me. To talk about it and get it out on paper so I understand what the hell is going on in my brain. And if it makes someone feel a little less alone, that's a bonus.
Aller Kiss!
Matti xxx
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