Hey all,
Hows you?

How bloody dramatic does that title sound? Bref.

I very briefly touched on my mental health in my recent CTCU (Cup Of Tea and A Catch Up), but I've decided to talk about it a bit more, just to give you guys a bit of an update. I know some people don't really like these types of posts but it feels somewhat like group therapy when I do these - these are posts for me, so I don't really mind if they get a lot of views or not.

Let's start from where I touched on in my CTCU, since that's probably a firm ground to start off with. So at the start of March, my Dad took me to go and see his GP (we have different doctors since I live in a different town to him) about my mental health. I hadn't really been given a choice in the matter. I mean, I did want to see a doctor, but just not his. Let's just say that he must be at least 55, and not the most competent doctor on earth. But it was him or nothing so I thought fuck it and went.

So after a half an hour chat about just my anxiety (even though I had gone there not just about my anxiety, I had also wanted to talk about my anger attacks, mood swings, self harming, ADD, the lot). So after asking me all the doctor-y questions like "do you smoke?", "are you on the pill?", "do you take drugs?" bref, he prescribed me something called Paroxetine and proceeded to diagnose me with Generalised Anxiety Disorder.

I got home, and decided to do a bit of research on Paroxetine. I had taken the prescription but only really half-heartedly. I was, really, quite scared about the prospect of taking pills at 15. It's actually really hard to explain but I was, really, scared about taking the pills. So I decided to do a bit of research on them, just so I could see what I was getting myself into. I have a look at various websites and notice one re-occuring theme, when they describe this medication - it's also an anti-depressant. I then scrolled down (the website is here for anyone who is interested but it's in French so you'll need to translate it) and saw some of the side-effects (to be honest I don't know if it's normal for an anti-depressant to have so many side-effects but it feels like a lot to me). There were so many side effects, I mean, easily 30. What amused me a bit was that one of the side effects, baring in mind that this supposedly treats anxiety, is that it can bring on anxiety. Logical.

Anyway, the thing that really made me think "fuck, no, stop, forget it, not happening" is that one of the side effects. Suicidal thoughts. That was basically what made me decide in my head that I was not going to take that medication. The idea that I could go from being a relatively happy teenage girl, to a zoned out, emotion-less, suicidal teenage girl. That was quite simply not an option; plus, there are so many other options to fix it like CBT and counceling, that I feel like I'm selling myself a bit short taking meds right away.

So, long story short, I decided not to take the medication.


I do have days where I can't help but think "maybe I should try them? Maybe it could help?" but then I pull myself back and say that I need to find different ways to treat it before I take any medication.

In other news, I've been feeling very low a lot recently. I've had a lot more days where I don't really want to get out of bed, I don't want to go to class, I don't want to have to pretend everything's fine, I just don't have the energy to anymore. I mean, I do, but it's hard.
I've been sleeping really badly as well. I've also noticed that my anxiety controls my sleep. I don't quite not sleep, I just struggle to get to sleep, but when I do it's impossibly light, and then I'll wake up every other hour, so I end up having little to no sleep (and obviously I sleep worst during exam season!).

My anger is okay. I can't even remember the last time it flared up. Though my patience is basically nonexistent though. So no anger attacks, but little to no patience for anyone or anything. (I'm so fun to be around at the moment, seriously).

I mean, I do have good days where my brain is pretty clear, my sleep is pretty okay as is my mood, but they're few are far between. Most of the time my mood is just fairly good and I'm up for a laugh, though I've noticed serious fluctuations between happy, bouncing around like a 6 year old on Mountain Dew and depressed, lost the will to live.

I'm going to *try* and broach the subject of a doctor's appointment with my Mum to try and see a different doctor to see what he has to say about it.

I've tried to find different activities that let me clear my mind. I'm quite enjoying dancing at the moment too and I'm trying to learn different dances by some of my favourite groups. And I'm working on trying to get my Mum to buy me an adult colouring book and some colouring in pens (ohhh, stationary porn) because everyone seems to be going on about how good they are and I think it'd be good for me to have something that I can wind down with that hasn't got a screen and I don't have to listen to anything or watch anything, I can basically just fully put myself into colouring in.

Hope you guys are doing well.