Matti May Hardie: January 2017

Hey all, how's you?

I was looking for a new handbag online and a realisation hit me rather hard because I'd never thought of it before, but once I had I felt stupid not to have realised it before. Fashion scares the shit out of me.

I don't like shopping. I never have; whenever I walk into a shop I feel obliged to spend money on something if not I feel bad and if I ever do leave a shop empty-handed I feel like everyone's judging me, especially if I had asked for one of the shop assistant's help. You see, I'm very difficult when it comes to shopping. I have a very specific taste that is rather difficult to cater for, especially in rural France. Even more so now as I'm trying to change my style because I really don't like the clothes I'm wearing and I'm trying to encourage myself to wear some more unusual pieces, rather than what everyone else is wearing.

Like I said, I've always hated going shopping - the mere idea of it struck fear into my heart because I knew it would mean an afternoon-long expedition to try and find just a couple of pieces that I liked, and even then it was never a 100% guarantee I'd ever even wear it.

Fashion scares me, quite simply because I don't understand it. I remember many a time standing wide-eyed, lost like a deer in the headlights, in the middle of Primark, not really sure what I was supposed to be doing or why I was even there in the first place. I don't know how to put an outfit together, I don't really even like most of the trends, I barely even know my own size, and don't even bother telling me to ask a shop assistant for help, I'd probably lose her within the first sentence what with my incessant nervous babbling (thanks for that, social anxiety, you're a love). Add to all that that I don't really know what I want.

It also annoys me a bit when I get odd looks off people. Like when I walk straight to the men's section of a shop and try stuff I like on. Yes, sometimes I prefer to wear men's clothes rather than women's clothes because men's clothes look better on me than women's clothes do. Yet if I walked into a Primark and started perousing the men's section, and then proceeded to try some things on, I'd get some very odd looks from both shoppers and shop assistants, but that's a whole different subject that I'll be talking about soon enough.

Am I the only one who feels intimidated by fashion?

Matti x

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Hey all, how's you?

Daaaammmn Matti, back at it again with the mental illness posts. This post came from a thought I had whilst I was in the bus on the way to my first "therapy" session. I put that in "" (I can't remember the name, go away) because it wasn't really a therapy session as such, it was a meeting with my school adviser. Her official name is a "orientation and psychology advisor", but the word 'psychology' caught my eye and figured what the heck, I'm at a point now where I have nothing to lose. So I made an appointment with her to see if she could help me or not. It got me thinking about mental illness and diagnosis and that kind of thing so I decided to talk about it today. Fun times.

Before you're diagnosed with a mental illness, you think that diagnosis is the be all and end all, that once you're diagnosed it'll magically get better, but actually diagnosis is just the beginning.

When you suffer from a mental illness, a lot of people think that once they're diagnosed, that's the end and everything's sorted. It'll magically go away because whoo hoo, you know why you're feeling like this, the end. Huh. Guess not. Diagnosis is just the beginning. Once you're diagnosed, you're generally directed to a therapist who can then help you get your mental illness under control, how to live with it in order to not let it take you over or so that you can still live your life, or even to get rid of it. That in itself can take a month like it can take a year, like it can take ten years, depending on the intensity of your mental illness and state.

I feel like people underestimate therapy and even just the act of going there. I was only really going to see the counceller so that I could say that I had tried. But it actually felt really good to get it out there, for someone to acknowledge that there was something that wasn't quite right, that I needed help, even though she couldn't do anything for me specifically, though she did give some contacts where I can go where I can find someone who can help me.

I wanted to talk about the actual appointment with her because to her eternal credit, she was amazing. We sat down and I explained what was wrong, and when she said she couldn't really help to much of an extent she wasn't dismissive at all, just simply stating a fact. She was really mindful in the way she spoke and even at one point asked me if I was anxious and when I said yes, she offered to open the door for a bit of air and asked if there was anything she could do to lessen the anxiety. I think that was the first time someone had been so mindful when I had told them about anxiety.

So, conclusion, was there going to see that lady pointless? I'd say no. I don't think it was. I think it was really helpful to just talk about it, because even though everyone says it, it's so true that the first step is accepting that there's a problem is to just talk to someone about it.

If you have a doubt that there's a problem, even the slightest little doubt, please contact someone and talk to them. I know that's a really cliche thing to say but it's so fucking true. So yeah, a more fun and upbeat posts resuming next week!

Matti x

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Hey all, how's you?

A gay start to the year is always a good start right? Right. With this in mind, I have gathered a few questions all about being in the LGBT community. Some of these I've pinched from other gay Q&As and some of them are from you lot!

When did you figure out your sexuality?

*sarcastic cackle* if I'm totally honest, I've not figured out my sexuality. But to make things easier and to generalise, I say I'm a lesbian. I started realising that I liked girls when I was about 9, and then I didn't think about it for ages, and then it started creeping back into my brain when I was about 13/14. I don't know, however, if I like girls exclusively or if guys can come into the picture, too. Though right now, I could see myself dating a girl. BLBLBLBL DON'T ASK WHAT'S GOING ON IN MY BRAIN, YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW.

Do you have any LGBTQ+ icons?

I often struggle to differentiate girl crushes and icons, but I think people that I really look up to would be Laverne Cox, Ellen (of course!), Tyler Oakley and Cara Delevingne. And, well, Ruby Rose will forever be the love of my life so there’s that…

Have you ever been to a pride parade?

I haven’t, no! I want to go to one really badly so I’m hoping that that’s a thing that’ll happen at one point or another! I think Marion and I may go to one not far from us as a kind of post-exam treat.

Do you ever get sick of stereotypes?

Constantly! I have a lesbian friend who had long flowy hair and a very feminine style and everyone would say she ‘didn’t look lesbian’ HOW DO YOU LOOK LESBIAN?!

Any favourite LGBT+ films?

Right, so I’ve already discussed this in the LGBT tag a did a while ago, but my 2 favourite LGBT films have to be Anatomy of a Love Story and Pride. These films are amazing! Anatomy Of A Love Story is a much more low budget, indie-type film, but that doesn’t stop it from being totally amazing! It’s about two actresses who are making a film where they’re lovers, and they end up falling in love in real life but break up, and then they have to go back and shoot the love scene again and it’s really fucking angsty and great. Pride is basically on another playing field. It’s got many of my favourite things - it’s an original British film, there’s LGBT everywhere, Bill Nighy, it’s set in the 70/80s and it’s fucking funny. What’s not to love? It’s about a group of gays (and a lesbian) who decide to support a Welsh mining village in Wales. That’s all I can say without spoiling everything, just watch it!

Are you still scared of coming out?

It depends. If I’m coming out to some random person at college then no because I honestly don’t care what they think of me, but I came out to my boss and that was a lot scarier.

What would you like the world to look like in 5 years time for the LGBT community?

To put into one word - equality. I want people to be able to come out without being afraid. I want trans people to use whatever fucking bathroom they want, I want non-binary genders to be accepted, too, and I want they-them pronouns to be actually used. I want homophobes to realise their hate changes nothing. I want to be able to be whoever I am freely, without being scared of being judged. In an ideal world, I want being LGBT to be a norm, too.

What is the best ways for allies to support LGBT+ people? Especially when they’re first coming out?

Just accepting them is the best way to support people someone, especially when they're first coming out. Letting them know that you love them and that that doesn't make them weird or different to anyone else.

What would you say is the best way to support someone who is just coming out when you don't have personal experience?

In my opinion, the best way to respond to someone coming out to you is "okay, and just ask how the person is living with it. In my opinion (and depending on the person), just ask them questions. Don't ask dumb questions like "when did you decide you were *insert sexuality here*", but more useful questions like "do your parents know?" and questions where you can gage the person's safety, in case they need your help but don't dare ask you.
On a more positive note, be happy for them! They're being open about their sexuality with you and that's the first step on the best path they could follow! *vomits down self*

That's all the questions for this time! If you have any other questions don't hesitate to let me know either in the comments or on one (or all) of my social media platforms and I'll be sure to include it in the next one.

Matti x

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